Dear online diary #day 4

Haven’t written in two days but I got some great new. I managed to apply for a program and it was pretty hard so that is the reason I have been a little distracted. It took me 4 hours straight to apply but I have my doubts regarding my actual entering. But in all honesty I’m proud because I put so much hard work into it.

Also I went dress shopping with my sister and she got a gorgeous dress and I’m really proud of her because she normally hates shopping.

Another great news is that my skin is clearing up which is great. I hav been going out every day (another great news). I bought a book that I’m very excited to read but it will take a while.

Now I really need to do my homework but I’m probably going to watch a series before cuz I am really lazy.

Without further ado here are some pictures from my days

Dear online diary #day2

You will not believe what happened today. I’m not one to believe in coincidence and to be honest I haven’t given “faith” to much though but the strangest think happened today. I really needed to get a particular document from the principal for entering a program but I had so much anxiety about it I thought I would never get around to actually do it but it turns out two of my friends needed the exact same thing. I know what you might think, “it’s not that big of a coincidence” but that document is incredibly rarely asked for and to find out that my friends needed it exactly the day after I found out I needed it it’s kind of crazy and to think that it’s a coincidence it’s even crazier. I was a bit pessimistic regarding this program to be completely honest because there were lots and lots of requirements and documents but now I have so much faith because of this “coincidence”. I really hope all things will turn out for the best.

Moving on with my day.

Today was slightly better than yesterday I suppose. Some things start falling into place, I’m making plans for the summer that I’m actually excited for. Something that kind of set me off today is that my teacher didn’t congratulate me on getting the best mark in the entire school at an exam but that particular teacher isn’t so generous with compliments so I guess I don’t really mind but it would have been nice if she said something kind. Also she gave us a lot of homework that I’m not particularly excited about.

All in all my day went slightly better than yesterday. I’m planning on going to the gym tomorrow after school, also start revising for exams and writing letters of motivation for some projects.

I hope you all had a wonderful day also, please comment something good that happened to you today.

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Dear online diary

I’ve always wanted to start keeping a journal but I’m very bad at committing so I never got around to do it because I knew I wasn’t going to keep writing. I don’t know what exactlychanged or even if something did actually changed but I decided to commit to an online diary. So here we go.

Today was a bit awful. So were the days before. We just got back from the spring break and school just about slapped me in the face. I always forget how much I hate school whenever there is a holiday and the first day after it it’s usually the worst. I want to be home schooled but because of various reasons that’s not possible for me. I do although hope and work for a change in the near future. I’m not going to lie I don’t actually try to be positive regarding my whole school hating situation, it’s too tiring, all I want to do is fast forward to it but that’s not possible so I’m trying to fast forward my emotions and don’t let school related problems get to me.

More dreadful news are that my skin is acting up which is totally disrespectful by the way, but I will do a week of detox starting tomorrow just so to be sure.

Good news is that today I’ve gone to school with little to no makeup on and I didn’t actually feel insecure and I didn’t internally obsess about my ugliness . So that is great isn’t it?

I suppose I’m done for today so goodbye 💋

Also pic of me looking like a tired chipmunk

What it’s really like having acne (Day 4 of blogging challenge)

What it’s really like to have acne

Although having acne is not the best experience, it’s still an experience so I want to capture this experience into words and expose it in the museum that is my blog.

Having acne it’s like having a handicap and it is not an exaggeration. This has nothing to do with superficiality but more with self-worth.

What other people say about us really takes a toll on how we see ourselves even if we don’t want it to. No matter what you do and how nice you are, if you have acne there is bound to be a person who wants to bring you down and pick on your skin issues to do so.

Having acne is like having a huge sign on your face and what really bothers you is not that people will label you in a certain way because of it but what really hurts is feeling the pressure of that label on your personality.

Having acne is being afraid, being ashamed, feeling humiliated because of yourself but knowing that you’re not truly guilty.

Having acne is missing a sleepover because you don’t want other people to look at you without no make-up on.

Having acne is being laughed at every time you pass on eating something dairy because for other people it doesn’t make sense but you are too afraid of a breakout.

Having acne is not being able to go to school or any other social event without covering or you blemishes even though you wanted to go bare faced.

Having acne is spending $500+ on different skin care products that had little to no results but still buying another one because you can’t lose your hope.

Having acne is hating to look at yourself in photos, videos even mirror when there is someone else with good skin beside, not because of jealousy but because your skin looks even worse in comparison.

Having acne is hearing a bunch of people who have little to no skin care routine give you skin caring advice because their skin is better.

Having acne is picking on your face, knowing you should not do that but thinking that maybe, just maybe, if you take the impurity out of your face it will just stay that way.

Having acne is hating something that is a part of who you are but you still don’t have control over it.

Having acne is not being able to be a model or an actor despite working hard for it because your skin condition affects your image.

Having acne is feeling inferior to anybody who has good skin and wishing you could be someone else.

Having acne is a hatred towards your own persona that never goes away. Having acne is an impediment in living your life. Having acne is waking up everyday and not wanting to look in the mirror. Having acne is feeling that you’re judged every second of your life.

But having acne is also waiting everyday to be the last day of your acne journey and feeling a pit of hope in your stomach. Having acne is also having a good skin day and feeling so blessed that day thinking from that day on your acne will be gone.

Having acne is the despair at the beginning of the day that will cause you hope at the end of it. One day it will go away, that’s a certainty so keep on hoping.

In a much happier, funnier light, let’s all think how great our skin will be because of all the skin care tricks we know because of acne.

Story: My first love

I strongly believe that your first love really defines you. The people you love in general define you, and your first love is like a window through your past self.

My first love was a classmate in fourth grade. Let’s call him Justin. He transferred to my school in fourth grade. I don’t recall being love at first sight but I cannot remember a moment in the following 3 years that I didn’t think of him. At that time being cool literally meant being the smartest in the class and he really was very smart, of course there were exceptions to this rule. I was equally as smart but for an unknown reason I was never able to be cool. I really wanted him to notice me but when he did he was teasing me, not in the funny way, in the close-to-bullying kind of way. It went on and on for 3 years. In those years I have never EVER thought about another guy. I was literally obsessed with Justin. It so happened that in that period of time I was very close with this girl, let’s call her Mandy. Mandy was way more popular than me and much more athletic(at that time being athletic was incredibly important for me for an unknown reason). Being friends with her made me feel really inferior and there was a rumor going around that Justin liked her. I was not mad at her just mad at me, a habit I still have now, so many years after, to put myself down because I am not seen as important by the people who are important to me. I don’t remember why exactly but because of Mandy I accidentally sent Justin a text. In that day we texted a lot and I don’t really remember what the texts were about. I was so mesmerized that I was texting him I didn’t even cared what was happening around me that day. I still remember how my heart rushed after pressing send. Fast-forward through that day, still by text he asked me to be his girlfriend. That literally felt like all my dreams come true. I replied in like an instant saying how I would love to be his girlfriend but I don’t want Mandy to be upset(because I had a strong feeling she liked him) and I told him we should keep this a secret. Such a naive young girl I was. This is basically were my nightmare begin. The next day literally all the boys were laughing at me and I started crying in class.It turned out it was all a joke for him. Three years worth of feelings were a joke. Up to now I still believe that was the saddest day in my life, I consider it more of a trauma actually. The thing is that I was a really hard working and caring girl, and I wouldn’t have called me ugly either, and I nurtured pure feelings for another human being just so I would have my heart ripped out in front of everyone I knew. That experience really changed me. I forced myself (while I was crying and trying to fall asleep) not to think of him because it was literally a reflex for me. And I eventually did stop thinking of him, after I changed schools. I still lie about the reason why I changed schools because I don’t want anybody to judge me and say I overreacted, but it really was painful and hard to realize that being the best you can will never be enough for some people.

Looking back I am not sure if love is what I felt for that boy but it was incredibly hard to get over it, but now I am actually really good at getting over almost everything so I like to think that I was thought a hard lesson at that time so I can use it now. Just in case you are wondering if Justin and I ever crossed paths again, I did hang out with Justin in my freshman year because of common friends and I realized that if he was out of my league then, I am out of his now. Therefore if you are going through a hard time in your love life and you feel like a certain guy is your one and only, chances are in a few years he won’t mean nothing but a lesson to you.

Love

Love is such a strange word. It’s really weird that such a small word describes such a fundamental feeling. I’ve been living for quite a while now but never in my life have I heard one accurate description of this feeling. Of course some people may have found their definition for this word, maybe the definition of love lays in a person, in a feeling and that is the reason why some of us don’t seem to find it in phrases.

I’ve always wondered why is love such a popular feeling. So many books, so many songs, drawings, it’s so widespread. I wonder if love is really the most fundamental thing in life, the ultimate definition of perfection, the collective goal of humanity, or we just make it like this.

I wonder if we make love important or love makes us important.

But love comes in different forms and we all express love differently. I won’t repeat the “there are billions kinds of love” theory because I think we all heard about it. We can love a friend, a mother, a lover, it’s not important who we love but how.

I am getting gradually but surely sick of love. We all wake up looking, searching for love, to give it, to receive it, and sometimes you are satisfied with it but sometimes you are not. Sometimes you wish you could love other people and sometimes you wish you’ll never love anybody else as much as you love someone in particular. Why do we keep searching for it? We keep searching for a person or a feeling that can influence who we are and who we worked hard to become. We keep looking for somebody who can either destroy us or elevate us. But why can’t we accept the state of life that we create for us. Why are we looking for someone who can bring chaos in our life? Is stability boring? Or maybe -just maybe- we can’t help it?

Maybe our hearts just create invisible connections and when we are apart from those whom we love the strings that keep our hearts together are getting weaker and cause us pain. Maybe when we fight they get tangled. Maybe there is an entire story happening in an unseen world involving our hearts and we can just feel and act on it.

Maybe -just maybe- love is controlling us and we never stood a chance.

Start

I’ve been meaning to start this blog for a while. Of course I made my first post a while ago, but it doesn’t really feel like I started. I keep on waiting. I’m waiting for the perfect moment. I feel like I am waiting to live , to breath, just waiting on something that will give my life meaning. I can not tell exactly why is that. I guess I feel unworthy. I just don’t allow myself to believe that I can live such an imperfect life and still be happy. And the truth is that it’s been a while, it’s been a while since I last felt truly happy and genuinely blessed for being who I am. I fool myself into thinking I do my best to change but the truth is I am not. I am terrified that even if I try I won’t succeed. There are some days when I feel really motivated, but it just fades down. This time … I will really try. I will change my life. I will make it to the top. Because I am worthy, we all are. We just need a pinch of craziness and motivation. I’ve decided to start writing because that is what I want to do. This gives me the sense of purpose I need. And my words may not mean the world to most of you, but they are my world.