Love

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Love is such a strange word. It’s really weird that such a small word describes such a fundamental feeling. I’ve been living for quite a while now but never in my life have I heard one accurate description of this feeling. Of course some people may have found their definition for this word, maybe the definition of love lays in a person, in a feeling and that is the reason why some of us don’t seem to find it in phrases.

I’ve always wondered why is love such a popular feeling. So many books, so many songs, drawings, it’s so widespread. I wonder if love is really the most fundamental thing in life, the ultimate definition of perfection, the collective goal of humanity, or we just make it like this.

I wonder if we make love important or love makes us important.

But love comes in different forms and we all express love differently. I won’t repeat the “there are billions kinds of love” theory because I think we all heard about it. We can love a friend, a mother, a lover, it’s not important who we love but how.

I am getting gradually but surely sick of love. We all wake up looking, searching for love, to give it, to receive it, and sometimes you are satisfied with it but sometimes you are not. Sometimes you wish you could love other people and sometimes you wish you’ll never love anybody else as much as you love someone in particular. Why do we keep searching for it? We keep searching for a person or a feeling that can influence who we are and who we worked hard to become. We keep looking for somebody who can either destroy us or elevate us. But why can’t we accept the state of life that we create for us. Why are we looking for someone who can bring chaos in our life? Is stability boring? Or maybe -just maybe- we can’t help it?

Maybe our hearts just create invisible connections and when we are apart from those whom we love the strings that keep our hearts together are getting weaker and cause us pain. Maybe when we fight they get tangled. Maybe there is an entire story happening in an unseen world involving our hearts and we can just feel and act on it.

Maybe -just maybe- love is controlling us and we never stood a chance.

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Start

I’ve been meaning to start this blog for a while. Of course I made my first post a while ago, but it doesn’t really feel like I started. I keep on waiting. I’m waiting for the perfect moment. I feel like I am waiting to live , to breath, just waiting on something that will give my life meaning. I can not tell exactly why is that. I guess I feel unworthy. I just don’t allow myself to believe that I can live such an imperfect life and still be happy. And the truth is that it’s been a while, it’s been a while since I last felt truly happy and genuinely blessed for being who I am. I fool myself into thinking I do my best to change but the truth is I am not. I am terrified that even if I try I won’t succeed. There are some days when I feel really motivated, but it just fades down. This time … I will really try. I will change my life. I will make it to the top. Because I am worthy, we all are. We just need a pinch of craziness and motivation. I’ve decided to start writing because that is what I want to do. This gives me the sense of purpose I need. And my words may not mean the world to most of you, but they are my world.

Story: My first love

I strongly believe that your first love really defines you. The people you love in general define you, and your first love is like a window through your past self.

My first love was a classmate in fourth grade. Let’s call him Justin. He transferred to my school in fourth grade. I don’t recall being love at first sight but I cannot remember a moment in the following 3 years that I didn’t think of him. At that time being cool literally meant being the smartest in the class and he really was very smart, of course there were exceptions to this rule. I was equally as smart but for an unknown reason I was never able to be cool. I really wanted him to notice me but when he did he was teasing me, not in the funny way, in the close-to-bullying kind of way. It went on and on for 3 years. In those years I have never EVER thought about another guy. I was literally obsessed with Justin. It so happened that in that period of time I was very close with this girl, let’s call her Mandy. Mandy was way more popular than me and much more athletic(at that time being athletic was incredibly important for me for an unknown reason). Being friends with her made me feel really inferior and there was a rumor going around that Justin liked her. I was not mad at her just mad at me, a habit I still have now, so many years after, to put myself down because I am not seen as important by the people who are important to me. I don’t remember why exactly but because of Mandy I accidentally sent Justin a text. In that day we texted a lot and I don’t really remember what the texts were about. I was so mesmerized that I was texting him I didn’t even cared what was happening around me that day. I still remember how my heart rushed after pressing send. Fast-forward through that day, still by text he asked me to be his girlfriend. That literally felt like all my dreams come true. I replied in like an instant saying how I would love to be his girlfriend but I don’t want Mandy to be upset(because I had a strong feeling she liked him) and I told him we should keep this a secret. Such a naive young girl I was. This is basically were my nightmare begin. The next day literally all the boys were laughing at me and I started crying in class.It turned out it was all a joke for him. Three years worth of feelings were a joke. Up to now I still believe that was the saddest day in my life, I consider it more of a trauma actually. The thing is that I was a really hard working and caring girl, and I wouldn’t have called me ugly either, and I nurtured pure feelings for another human being just so I would have my heart ripped out in front of everyone I knew. That experience really changed me. I forced myself (while I was crying and trying to fall asleep) not to think of him because it was literally a reflex for me. And I eventually did stop thinking of him, after I changed schools. I still lie about the reason why I changed schools because I don’t want anybody to judge me and say I overreacted, but it really was painful and hard to realize that being the best you can will never be enough for some people.

Looking back I am not sure if love is what I felt for that boy but it was incredibly hard to get over it, but now I am actually really good at getting over almost everything so I like to think that I was thought a hard lesson at that time so I can use it now. Just in case you are wondering if Justin and I ever crossed paths again, I did hang out with Justin in my freshman year because of common friends and I realized that if he was out of my league then, I am out of his now. Therefore if you are going through a hard time in your love life and you feel like a certain guy is your one and only, chances are in a few years he won’t mean nothing but a lesson to you.

How to be confident

Hi and welcome to my blog, it’s been a while since our last talk.

Today I’d like to talk about something incredibly important for people from all over the world, and that is confidence. Whenever I saw a certain type of people(confident people) I have come to the conclusion that they have something more. I can’t properly define that “more” but if I were to put it into words it would be a certain easiness in moving, talking and behaving in general. But what is it that gives them that easiness ? And more important, how can we get it?

It may come as a shock but being confident is actually really simple, you just need to follow some basic rules.

RULE NUMBER 1: Take care of yourself

I am not saying to “Start going to the gym” or “Start a diet” but try making healthy choices in your every day life, either eat a salad at lunch rather than a pizza, or walk to school/work instead of driving/taking the bus or start drinking more water. Do small things that will lead to a healthier state of your body and mind.

RULE NUMBER 2: Don’t put yourself down

There will always be certain moments in every person’s life when we are not happy with ourselves but thinking too much about those moments will only result in more suffering and less improvement. If you made a mistake, you are not the first and certainly not the least, learn something from it and move on.

RULE NUMBER 3: Reward yourself

Now, don’t get this wrong, I am not saying go make unhealthy choices because you deserve to, a lot of people seem to get this wrong. Reward yourself with something that will boost your confidence on the long-term. Buy a new exfoliant or make time to try a DIY face-mask, or if you have a lot of time on your hands start attending a course you really want to. Just find something that will bring joy and improvement to your life.

RULE NUMBER 4: Dress up

Put on a bit of make up or a lot, but own it and know that you are always beautiful with or without it. Choose your clothes wisely, according to your figure, your likes and personality. Find clothes in which you feel comfortable but also flawless. Wearing revealing clothes won’t always make you feel more confident although a lot of people think so. If it works for you than rock the look but if it doesn’t don’t force it.

RULE NUMBER 5(the most important): Don’t let other people treat you badly

Never let a person( no matter how much you love him/her) tell you what’s your worth. A lot of people don’t understand that if you  think highly of someone and that someone says something about you it does not mean that what they say it’s true. Putting yourself first doesn’t come naturally to everyone but you have to realize that the only opinion of yourself that really matters is your own, any other opinion is as important as you make it to be.

RULE NUMBER 6: “Fake it till’ you make it”

This is literally the quote I live by. We all have this little superpower and that is that people can only assume what we are thinking of. If you act like you are the best version of yourself, if you act like you are the most beautiful person, if you act like you deserve to be respected, maybe not today, not tomorrow but one day the role you are playing will stop being a role and it will start becoming a reality.

Try following this rules and remember that consistency is the key. Don’t be to harsh on yourself, you are still growing and learning and sometimes that implies a little bit of suffering. Your rode to confidence started when you(unintentionally) started following the rule nr.3 and rewarded yourself by researching informations about confidence, now follow them.

If you enjoyed this article be sure to like it and follow my blog to see more articles like this, also follow me on instagram for more personal content -love, Deni Elena

I am sad.

Once again I am sad. There are no days sadder than those when you say her name. Maybe you were just telling a story, a joke perhaps, giving me an example… but it hurts. It hurts knowing you think about her, that something I’ve said makes your brain wonder until you reach the destination of her face. It hurts that you see no difference between us. It hurts knowing that I am the same as her, mediocritize me. Sometimes I feel the need to scream “I AM MORE” because what always drew me into you was the fact that you are more for me, and I just wanna be what you are for me because i know how that feels. There are so many words I feel the need to say, when I talk about you, but what sums it all up is.. you are “something more”. I do not know what is exactly what makes me always come running back to you anytime something goes wrong, but you are THAT for me and it hurts knowing I am just “that” for you.And what hurts the most? It hurts thinking that someday we will not be what we are now, as little as I have with you… this is all I have. This right here with you, this is real and it feels right, it feels amazing, just talking, just joking, just being with you is an experience I want to keep forever within my soul and mind. I am sad because I know I can always find someone else, but will I ever find something else? I can always be in search for a person but after you, I will be in search of a soul, a feeling. I am sad because after you, I know, I am not in search for someone else, I am in search for you in someone else. I am sad because I am scared you will not search for me more than you already did.

Small town

Real talk.

Small town filled with shadows of so-called “people”, small kids with big dreams and no knowledge about the world they live in, and minds too overwhelmed with the sadness of reality…or is it just one mind?
Expressivity is the on thing we need most and the one we always avoid, even ban or laugh at those who dare to express something more than what is essential. You would think living in a town full of simplistic people and being surrounded by less than basic people will provide you the perfect environment for a minimalistic person in terms of thinking and living. And it most certainly did. Everybody is preoccupied with their own “goals”, ideals filled with nothing more than already established realities and material means. There is no place left for emotional intelligence, for liberty of expression in any kind of form, no place to discover who you actually are, not just who you should be.
This seems like a horror story the more I think about it, but you know what is really horrific? The fact that this is a reality, and while the term “reality” seems to validate a truth and generalize it, this reality is just for the few of us who have been cursed to live in small towns. The place where dreams die.